Today has been particularly hard. It’s only 12:45 pm & I’ve already cried about 30 times today. Worship at church this morning had me bawling like a baby.
Today I feel alone.
I feel like a failure.
Today is one of those days where everywhere I look all I see is pregnant women & babies. This morning at church I cried to God. I needed His love. I needed to feel Him, & I did. I begged God this morning for two pink lines. I begged God to show me a way because right now it feels like there isn’t one. The last few months, the last few weeks to be more specific, have been particularly rough.
Four weeks ago I went to the dr & was diagnosed with PCOS. It had been less than a week since my husband & I got baptized & the devil decided he was gonna come in swinging. My heart shattered. God had already placed me through the storm of dealing with Endometriosis, & now this. How was i supposed to fight both battles at once & still walk around with my held high like everything was alright? How was I supposed to face my husband & tell him that we had more going against us in our journey to have a baby? How was I supposed to go to WalMart & walk past the baby section knowing that there’s no telling how long it will be until I’m able to shop in that part of the store? How was I supposed to do all this?
But, this morning, the worship team played a song called Love Has a Name {link below} & I was reminded that it was because of Him that I’m able to face all that He has placed before me. After going to the Dr, I told my husband what was said & he didn’t think twice about wrapping me in his arms & holding me while I cried. He didn’t think twice about guarding me from see the pain & disappointment & frustration that he too was feeling. God held us both in His arms, & still is holding us both, as we face a very scary, difficult, heartbreaking journey.
It wasn’t long after my diagnosis that more hardships were thrown our way. I won’t go into details because, let’s be honest, all of that doesn’t matter.
I haven’t been able to understand anything that is happening in mine & my husbands life at the moment. We haven’t even been married for a year & it feels like everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong since our wedding day.
This morning, though, God reminded me that we weren’t alone, & that He has a plan for us. As my husband stepped out for altar call this morning, I decided to join him. After all, his fight is my fight, & my fight is his too. As we went to our Pastor & asked for him to pray for us, he looked at us & said “y’all have been on my heart & my mind this week.”
Wait.
What.
WOAH!
I NEEDED THAT YALL. I NEEDED TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE CARED.
Let me tell you, & I know this post is all over the place, but GOD NEVER FAILS. He touched me through the baptism of a couple I’ve never felt this morning, then again during worship, & again at altar call with my husband & Pastor.
Then we got in the car after church & my husband tells me “that baptism & worship got to me this morning”
GOD YALL. THAT WAS GOD.
His voice was echoing through mine & my husbands pain this morning.
His laughter wiped away every tear that has fallen from my eyes today.
Because of Him, I know there is a way. I know I’m not alone. I know that He will provide.
And while today is very, very tough for me, I’m holding onto the fact that I hve a God who loves me so much that He sent His son to die for me, & if He loves me that much, then there’s no doubt in my mind that He loves me & my husband enough to provide everything that we not only need, but that we also desire. ❤️
Love Has A Name: https://youtu.be/ZO-3dj33k-I
Today I feel alone.
I feel like a failure.
Today is one of those days where everywhere I look all I see is pregnant women & babies. This morning at church I cried to God. I needed His love. I needed to feel Him, & I did. I begged God this morning for two pink lines. I begged God to show me a way because right now it feels like there isn’t one. The last few months, the last few weeks to be more specific, have been particularly rough.
Four weeks ago I went to the dr & was diagnosed with PCOS. It had been less than a week since my husband & I got baptized & the devil decided he was gonna come in swinging. My heart shattered. God had already placed me through the storm of dealing with Endometriosis, & now this. How was i supposed to fight both battles at once & still walk around with my held high like everything was alright? How was I supposed to face my husband & tell him that we had more going against us in our journey to have a baby? How was I supposed to go to WalMart & walk past the baby section knowing that there’s no telling how long it will be until I’m able to shop in that part of the store? How was I supposed to do all this?
But, this morning, the worship team played a song called Love Has a Name {link below} & I was reminded that it was because of Him that I’m able to face all that He has placed before me. After going to the Dr, I told my husband what was said & he didn’t think twice about wrapping me in his arms & holding me while I cried. He didn’t think twice about guarding me from see the pain & disappointment & frustration that he too was feeling. God held us both in His arms, & still is holding us both, as we face a very scary, difficult, heartbreaking journey.
It wasn’t long after my diagnosis that more hardships were thrown our way. I won’t go into details because, let’s be honest, all of that doesn’t matter.
I haven’t been able to understand anything that is happening in mine & my husbands life at the moment. We haven’t even been married for a year & it feels like everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong since our wedding day.
This morning, though, God reminded me that we weren’t alone, & that He has a plan for us. As my husband stepped out for altar call this morning, I decided to join him. After all, his fight is my fight, & my fight is his too. As we went to our Pastor & asked for him to pray for us, he looked at us & said “y’all have been on my heart & my mind this week.”
Wait.
What.
WOAH!
I NEEDED THAT YALL. I NEEDED TO KNOW THAT SOMEONE CARED.
Let me tell you, & I know this post is all over the place, but GOD NEVER FAILS. He touched me through the baptism of a couple I’ve never felt this morning, then again during worship, & again at altar call with my husband & Pastor.
Then we got in the car after church & my husband tells me “that baptism & worship got to me this morning”
GOD YALL. THAT WAS GOD.
His voice was echoing through mine & my husbands pain this morning.
His laughter wiped away every tear that has fallen from my eyes today.
Because of Him, I know there is a way. I know I’m not alone. I know that He will provide.
And while today is very, very tough for me, I’m holding onto the fact that I hve a God who loves me so much that He sent His son to die for me, & if He loves me that much, then there’s no doubt in my mind that He loves me & my husband enough to provide everything that we not only need, but that we also desire. ❤️
Love Has A Name: https://youtu.be/ZO-3dj33k-I
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