As Mother’s Day gets closer, I find myself hurting more. My heart is breaking more. This is a feeling I never thought I’d feel. A heartbreak I never thought I would have to understand.
When I was 14,I started having stomach pains while at a youth retreat with my church & some of my very best friends. The following Monday my mom took me to a doctor, who told me that my pain was from dancing too much. I’m a big girl who was on the high schools drill team (dance team), so it was completely believable that the dancing & my weight combined could have been causing the pain. It wasn’t until I was 17 that I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I often wonder if maybe the doctors had actually believed me about the pain I was in, if maybe we had caught the endometriosis earlier before it had grown so much, if I would be having the problems I have today. They did the surgery that diagnosed me with endo. My dr told me that the chances of me having kids would be slim, but I didn’t believe her. The same doctor told my cousin the same things & she has 3 beautiful children. I was put on birth control to try to control the growing of the endometriosis & I continued through my last year of high school. Less than two years later I was in the operating room yet again. My endometriosis had gotten worse. At my follow up appointment two weeks after surgery my dr told me that if i wanted kids I should probably start trying for them. I had just turned 19, was not in a relationship, & still trying to figure out how to be an “adult.” Kids were definitely not something I was thinking about.
Fast forward to being 20 years old, & engaged to the love of my life, William. In June, just 4 months before we were to get married, my period was over a week late. I took countless tests, I prayed to God for an answer. We were in no way ready for a baby yet, but the longer we went without my period showing up, the more the idea grew on us. Every day I took numerous tests, praying for God to either show me two lines or for Aunt Flo to show her ugly face. Then one night we were in the kitchen when an overwhelming pain hit me. I literally fell to the floor it was hurting so bad, William had to help walk me to the bathroom & put me in a hot bath. We went to the emergency room where I did finally begin to get a period, small & light, but a period none the less. I also began to pass clots, that looked nothing like they had before. Not blood clots, but clots none the less. I asked the doctor at the er about it & was never given answers. That night William & I decided to start the journey to have a baby. Never did I imagine that almost a year later we’d still be on that journey.
With Mother’s Day being this weekend, I find my heart breaking a little more. I feel angry at God. I keep finding myself asking Him “Why?!” Why do teenagers get to have babies? Why does the 13 year old on Instagram get to have what I want? Why are drug addicts having babies? Why is the girl on my Facebook who lives in her car & on occasions, motels, get to have a baby? Even though she’s already had multiple that have been taken away? Why does the couple that’s together one week and apart the next get what I’m longing for? Why does the girl who slept with three guys & doesn’t know who the father of her baby get what I’ve been asking you for?! I know, I shouldn’t question God. His plans are far greater than I can ever imagine, but it’s so hard not to ask why in a situation like this one.
Tonight, as I locked myself in the bathroom to take a bubble bath, I cried. I prayed. I asked him for just this one thing. I questioned him yet again. This weekend I will see mother’s getting celebrated every where I look. I will sit in church as each mother stands & is handed a gift, while I sit there trying my hardest not to cry. Tonight I will lay in bed with my husband & cry, as I do most nights.
But tonight while I was mad, once again, at God, I also felt an overwhelming feeling. Like He was truly placing his arms around me. “Be patient, my child. I am taking you through these waters to test your faith. Hold on, be strong. I will give you what you want, in my time, not yours.” He said to me. Patience isn’t my strong suit. Never has been, probably never will be. But that’s what He’s asking of me. I believe that I’m going through this so that I can be a support system for other women like me. I never want to hide my story. I believe that God places every situation in my life for a purpose. Someday I will tell my story with a baby on my hip, & I will be able to tell other women how it was God & prayer & groups on Facebook, full of women like me, that got me through what seems to be the most difficult time of my life.
Ya see, infertility is heartbreaking. It’s depressing. It’s hard. It’s misunderstood. It’s an overwhelming feeling of being alone during a time when all you need is complete & total love. It’s leaving dinner with friends early on a Friday night because one is pregnant, & one is a mom, & they want to talk about their babies(which is totally understandable. I would want to too!!) but your heart just can’t handle that. It’s deleting friends off social media because you can’t bear to see anymore of their pregnancy related posts. It’s stopping to look at the baby section at every store, only to have your husband tell you no, because he doesn’t want to jinx it. It’s having to force yourself out of bed to go to your friends gender reveals & baby showers & their babies birthday parties. It’s having it all planned out, the gender reveal, the nursery, the social media posts, the maternity pictures, only for those dreams to be crushed every month. It’s a trash can full of ovulation tests, & negative pregnancy tests, & $20 lube that’s supposed to help you conceive. It’s lonely.
As mother’s day approaches, please remember those women who are hurting. If your friend doesn’t like your post on Instagram, if she doesn’t text you to tell you happy mother’s day, if she doesn’t show up to church, please remember that she may be battling something that you know nothing about. Or something that you may never understand. Remember her & what she is probably feeling. Show her love & support & remember her in your prayers as you go through your day filled with festivities celebrating you!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mommies out there! & Happy Mother’s Day to those who may be struggling now, but will someday be celebrating this day with her perfect babies.
When I was 14,I started having stomach pains while at a youth retreat with my church & some of my very best friends. The following Monday my mom took me to a doctor, who told me that my pain was from dancing too much. I’m a big girl who was on the high schools drill team (dance team), so it was completely believable that the dancing & my weight combined could have been causing the pain. It wasn’t until I was 17 that I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I often wonder if maybe the doctors had actually believed me about the pain I was in, if maybe we had caught the endometriosis earlier before it had grown so much, if I would be having the problems I have today. They did the surgery that diagnosed me with endo. My dr told me that the chances of me having kids would be slim, but I didn’t believe her. The same doctor told my cousin the same things & she has 3 beautiful children. I was put on birth control to try to control the growing of the endometriosis & I continued through my last year of high school. Less than two years later I was in the operating room yet again. My endometriosis had gotten worse. At my follow up appointment two weeks after surgery my dr told me that if i wanted kids I should probably start trying for them. I had just turned 19, was not in a relationship, & still trying to figure out how to be an “adult.” Kids were definitely not something I was thinking about.
Fast forward to being 20 years old, & engaged to the love of my life, William. In June, just 4 months before we were to get married, my period was over a week late. I took countless tests, I prayed to God for an answer. We were in no way ready for a baby yet, but the longer we went without my period showing up, the more the idea grew on us. Every day I took numerous tests, praying for God to either show me two lines or for Aunt Flo to show her ugly face. Then one night we were in the kitchen when an overwhelming pain hit me. I literally fell to the floor it was hurting so bad, William had to help walk me to the bathroom & put me in a hot bath. We went to the emergency room where I did finally begin to get a period, small & light, but a period none the less. I also began to pass clots, that looked nothing like they had before. Not blood clots, but clots none the less. I asked the doctor at the er about it & was never given answers. That night William & I decided to start the journey to have a baby. Never did I imagine that almost a year later we’d still be on that journey.
With Mother’s Day being this weekend, I find my heart breaking a little more. I feel angry at God. I keep finding myself asking Him “Why?!” Why do teenagers get to have babies? Why does the 13 year old on Instagram get to have what I want? Why are drug addicts having babies? Why is the girl on my Facebook who lives in her car & on occasions, motels, get to have a baby? Even though she’s already had multiple that have been taken away? Why does the couple that’s together one week and apart the next get what I’m longing for? Why does the girl who slept with three guys & doesn’t know who the father of her baby get what I’ve been asking you for?! I know, I shouldn’t question God. His plans are far greater than I can ever imagine, but it’s so hard not to ask why in a situation like this one.
Tonight, as I locked myself in the bathroom to take a bubble bath, I cried. I prayed. I asked him for just this one thing. I questioned him yet again. This weekend I will see mother’s getting celebrated every where I look. I will sit in church as each mother stands & is handed a gift, while I sit there trying my hardest not to cry. Tonight I will lay in bed with my husband & cry, as I do most nights.
But tonight while I was mad, once again, at God, I also felt an overwhelming feeling. Like He was truly placing his arms around me. “Be patient, my child. I am taking you through these waters to test your faith. Hold on, be strong. I will give you what you want, in my time, not yours.” He said to me. Patience isn’t my strong suit. Never has been, probably never will be. But that’s what He’s asking of me. I believe that I’m going through this so that I can be a support system for other women like me. I never want to hide my story. I believe that God places every situation in my life for a purpose. Someday I will tell my story with a baby on my hip, & I will be able to tell other women how it was God & prayer & groups on Facebook, full of women like me, that got me through what seems to be the most difficult time of my life.
Ya see, infertility is heartbreaking. It’s depressing. It’s hard. It’s misunderstood. It’s an overwhelming feeling of being alone during a time when all you need is complete & total love. It’s leaving dinner with friends early on a Friday night because one is pregnant, & one is a mom, & they want to talk about their babies(which is totally understandable. I would want to too!!) but your heart just can’t handle that. It’s deleting friends off social media because you can’t bear to see anymore of their pregnancy related posts. It’s stopping to look at the baby section at every store, only to have your husband tell you no, because he doesn’t want to jinx it. It’s having to force yourself out of bed to go to your friends gender reveals & baby showers & their babies birthday parties. It’s having it all planned out, the gender reveal, the nursery, the social media posts, the maternity pictures, only for those dreams to be crushed every month. It’s a trash can full of ovulation tests, & negative pregnancy tests, & $20 lube that’s supposed to help you conceive. It’s lonely.
As mother’s day approaches, please remember those women who are hurting. If your friend doesn’t like your post on Instagram, if she doesn’t text you to tell you happy mother’s day, if she doesn’t show up to church, please remember that she may be battling something that you know nothing about. Or something that you may never understand. Remember her & what she is probably feeling. Show her love & support & remember her in your prayers as you go through your day filled with festivities celebrating you!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mommies out there! & Happy Mother’s Day to those who may be struggling now, but will someday be celebrating this day with her perfect babies.
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